Dealing with Divorce: Tip #1

When you are divorced or separated, there is no shortage of people telling you to "Look on the bright side." Yeah, right! Much easier said then done. While they mean well, unless they have been in your shoes, they really don't have a clue how difficult life can be. Well, I have been in your shoes. Based on first hand experience, below is a first in a series of tips on how to actually look on that bright side and bring a great sense of peace and hopefulness into your life. I pray it helps!

Accept it: When we accept the fact that life during and after divorce can be very difficult it makes the suffering easier to bear. I didn’t say go away--just easier to deal with. The ex is still going to be a jerk, the bills still need to be paid, and life is still going to be lonely at times. Putting yourself in a posture of acceptance instead of denial is the ticket. I remember vividly the day that I accepted that I would have to live a chaste life after my divorce. It was the last thing I wanted, and the time leading up to that decision was filled with anxiety. Yet, once I made the decision to embrace my chaste life, the anxiety disappeared. I had this incredible sense of freedom. The burden had been lifted. This surprised me because accepting the fact that I might never be married again, and having to be celibate the rest of my life (something I thought only priests did), should have caused me even more anxiety and suffering. But it didn’t--just the opposite. Christ had taken this burden from me once I surrender it completely to Him. Believe it or not, enduring our suffering each day is our path to Heaven: “Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.” (Mark 8:34)

(c) 2009, Vincent Frese II

(This is an excerpt from the blog article "Live In The Moment!" posted on www.divorcedcatholic.org.)

Caught by surprise. Why does it still hurt?

When I was going through my divorce my counselor described grieving as a process. Typically it includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The first time through this process usually takes the longest. Once you are through it, life seems to get better and your positive outlook returns. It is also very common for something to trigger a repeat of this grief cycle. The Holidays are a common trigger. It could also be something as simple as driving by a restaurant you used to go to with your spouse, or even hearing of a friend getting engaged. When this happens, it can definitely catch you by surprise. Fortunately, these repeat cycles are typically not as intense and don't last as long as the initial grief cycle.

This happened to me once about 2 years after my divorce. I found out that this woman that I was working with had gotten engaged. For some reason, her joy and excitement sent me into a major funk. I grieved all over again the death of my marriage. It really hurt. Fortunately, it only lasted about 2 weeks and I was able to work through it and my positive and grateful attitude returned.

When you find yourself in one of these repeat grief episodes, lean on what has helped you in the past. Thank goodness for your Catholic faith as it is rich in ways to help restore peace and joy into your life, namely the Sacraments, including the Mass, the Eucharist and Reconciliation. It is through our faith that we are reminded of God's abundant Mercy and Love. He grieves with us. It is also helpful to think back to the last time you were grieving and do some of the same things that helped you get through that rough time. It could be exercise, a hobby, journaling, or talking to a trusted friend. Whatever it was, do it again. It will help now, just like it did before.

Never forget that Christ is ready to climb into your rocky boat at any time. Just call on Him! (Mark 6:45-52)

When to take the ring off?

This is an interesting question that was recently posted on the divorcedcatholic.org forum. There are many different perspectives, that's for sure. Here's mine:

Having recently gotten married (2 years ago) I remember very well the words I said to my wife (and she to me): "Monica, take this ring as the sign of my love and fidelity." A wedding ring is a Sacramental. It is a symbol of a Sacrament--the Sacrament of Marriage. As far I understand, having a ring is not a requirement of the Sacrament. It is simply a visible symbol that the Sacrament took place. (Whether it is valid or not is up to the Tribunal should an annulment be filed, but that is another topic.) In the eyes of the Church, you are married whether you wear a ring or not. The ring is given by your spouse as his/her sign of their love and fidelity. So, using that logic, if they are no longer demonstrating their love and fidelity, they have reneged on the promise that the ring symbolizes. A personal decision would have to be made by the ring wearer of when their spouse reneged and if it is permanent. If they believe the promise is no longer being honored, it would not be inappropriate to take the ring off. Certainly, after a civil divorce would be a clear indication that the spouse is no longer standing behind the promise that the ring conveys. However, it could be very clear earlier then the official divorce date that the spouse has abandoned their promise. It is very important to understand (as I think most Catholics do) that just because one is not wearing a ring, does not mean they are no longer married. Ring or no ring, they are required to honor that marriage.

I also want to add that it is quite possible for a spouse to recommit to the marriage before, during or after a divorce. When this happens it is perfectly appropriate to put the ring back on. After all, it is a sign of an existing reality. I personally know of a couple that was legally divorced for 3-4 years and then reconciled and renewed their vows and started to wear their rings again.

I took my ring off when my divorce proceedings started.

In Christ,

Vince Frese