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Fear Is A Lousy Strategy

One of the most common reactions to divorce is fear. That is very understandable. Who wouldn't be scared if their entire life came crashing in around them? The problem with fear is not being scared, that's normal. The problem is acting on fear. That's when fear becomes a lousy strategy. I have seen time and again how people take matters into their own hands and act on this fear. Bad choices almost always occur. Here are some examples (you can probably relate to some or all of these—and come up with a few of your own!). 

• It is the forty-something woman who thinks she is too old to attract a man and the only chance she has to not be alone the rest of her life is to give in to sexual advances. 
• It is the man who remarries a year after his divorce because he is afraid of being alone. 
• It is the person who marries outside the Church because they are afraid of the annulment process.  

All these actions are based on fear, and all are heading for heartbreak and despair. Not the life God wants for you, that's for sure.

Here is a better strategy: hope. Hope is not about ignoring the reality of being afraid. It is not some mind-psych game you play to pretend you are not afraid. Hope is acknowledging your fear and then making a decision to totally trust God. It is putting the fear into God's hands and allowing Him to carry it for you, relieving you of the burden. The fundamental ingredient of hope is trust. It is about trusting that God has not, and never will, abandon you. It is trusting that He is walking with you through this extremely painful, lonely, and discouraging time in your life. It is trusting that He really does want you to have an abundance of peace and joy, and that He has a great plan for you to get it—even though you have no idea what that plan is. Focusing on that really does help to move past the fear of the present and look forward to a very positive, hopeful, future. 

Be on guard against making choices out of fear. When you feel that feeling creeping into your life, it is time to hit the pause button. Take that fear to God in prayer. Tell God that you are afraid, even terrified. Ask for the grace to trust Him more. Pray for the virtue of courage. That is what it takes to not act on fear when often the correct action is to do nothing. That often requires the most courage because doing nothing really is trusting in God and not in you. The more you do that, the more you are moving down the pathway straight to God's will. And that, my friend, is where peace and joy reign supreme.

(c) 2010, Vincent Frese, II

www.divorcedcatholic.org

Email: vfrese@divorcedcatholic.org

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Journey of Hope 2010 Conference Great Success!

I am so excited to report that our first Journey of Hope 2010 Conference was a great success! We had people attend from the United States, Canada, and Mexico. The Holy Spirit was so powerfully present that it palpable. I could go on and on about how fantastic the conference was, but I figured I would let some of the attendees tell you. Here is some of the typical feedback we have received:

"This conference was possibly the most precious gift I have ever received.  I haven’t stopped talking about it."


"I am sure you hear this often, but I want you to know how awed I am with the professionalism, spiritualism, AND knowledge all your speakers (including you and Vince) possess. It was as if I became a Catholic all over again....meaning I went through a very similar experience as when I received my First Eucharist in second grade! Seriously. I met a friend, I began to feel good about me, I hungered for your speakers information, I gained confidence just by attending, I saw what I was doing wrong and what I was doing right, I took home some "tools", ....but most of all, I relished my faith. I felt good about being Catholic. I like who I am! And I love my faith. You and your associates are incredible role models."


"I know I speak for many when I say it was a very powerful and meaningful conference.  Fr. Williams opening talk, Lisa's talk on healing, Vince's very candid talk on dating & intimacy and Dr. Spudic's talk on forgiveness were so helpful and I heard so many comments about how good it was to hear these things.  Mass celebrated by the Archbishop and the question and answer session at the end were great."


"Lisa (and Vince) ~ I think you hit this one out of the ballpark!"


"This experience was truly life changing for me and I Thank you both for that opportunity!!!!"


Well, there you go. I think that does a pretty good job of summing up the Conference. We are working hard on getting the videos and podcasts from the Conference online. Believe it or not, we are also already starting to work on next year's conference! Thanks to all of you that participated in the conference. May Christ continue to illuminate your path. 


To all the people that helped us host this conference, God has a special place in Heaven reserved for you. Thank you so much!




(c) 2010, Vincent Frese, II
www.divorcedcatholic.org
Email: vfrese@divorcedcatholic.org
Follow me on Twitter and Facebook

Conference to Address Unique Challenges for Divorced Men

Divorce Creates Unique Challenges for Men

While divorce is devastating for both men and women, it does have a unique impact on men. Men, by their nature, tend to suffer in silence--too ashamed, or too proud, to seek help. As a result, men can suffer longer and tend to make poor choices in their attempts to deal with their divorce.

Here is an interesting statistic: In my experience in ministering to the divorced and separated, I have found that public participation in support groups and social events is typically about 85% women and 15% men. However, participation in more anonymous avenues for divorce support, such as www.divorcedcatholic.org, is almost equal: 60% women and 40% men! Men feel more comfortable in this type of setting. Why? Because men see going to a divorce support group as being weak. That, combined with men’s general anxiety over speaking about their problems, keeps them away. Knowing this has prompted me to help create the upcoming Journey of Hope Conference 2010 on February 27^th-28^th, for divorced and separated Catholics.

The Journey of Hope Conference 2010 is very different then typical divorce offerings. First, it is not a support group. You won’t have to “share” your story. Second, it provides plenty of opportunities to learn, to be empowered, and to create a plan. Third, this conference addresses the issues in a format that is comfortable for both men and women. 

I am VERY excited about this conference! We have a balanced offering of workshops. Many workshops provide an opportunity to “roll up your sleeves” and tackle your biggest challenges of divorce. Better still, attendees can “customize” this conference by picking and choosing the topics that are of most interested to them. We have also made sure to allow plenty of time for prayer, planning, the Sacraments of the Eucharist and Reconciliation, and relaxation.

Are you dealing with any of these challenges of divorce?

How do you know if you can benefit from the Journey of Hope Conference 2010? Good question. I suggest you review the questions below, if you answer “Yes” to any of them, this Conference is for you.

• Don't see your kids except every other weekend?
• Financially strapped due to child support payments?
• The uncertainty about dating leaving you confused and feeling empty?
• Feeling the burden of juggling work, kids and life?
• Frustrated, angry, or lonely?
• Struggling with trying to find the meaning of life after divorce?
• Confused on how to live your Catholic faith after divorce?

  

Tackle your challenges in 2010 with the power of your Catholic faith.

The Journey of Hope Conference 2010 is jam-packed with dynamic speakers, powerful workshops, and real experts. Take this great opportunity to dig in to the challenges of divorce and separation that you face in 2010. Our Catholic faith is a true gift. Tapping into its power is the key to overcoming these challenges. This conference will show you how to live your faith more fully and become empowered to live a life that aligns with God’s will. When you are able to do that, you can overcome any challenge and experience the peace and fulfillment that God very much wants for you. Tapping into the power of your faith is tapping into the power of God!

The workshops target your biggest challenges.

Here is a sample of the workshops were are offering:

• Financial Solutions After Divorce
•  How to Tap the Power of Your Catholic Faith to Regain Balance and Optimism
•  Dating and Intimacy After Divorce
•  First Things First: How to Better Manage Your Demanding Life as a Single Parent.
•  Helping Your Children Cope
•  Understanding the Annulment Process

Come away with a game plan.

The great thing about this conference is you will come away with a game plan. Armed with this plan, suddenly 2010 becomes a very different year than any in the past. You will come out of this weekend confident and empowered with your Catholic faith like never before.

Here's what you will take away from this weekend:

• A clear game plan for tackling your challenges during 2010.
• Learn how to tap the power of your Catholic faith to regain a sense of balance and optimism.
• Tools that will help you better manage the demanding life of a single parent.
• Clear answers to the questions surrounding your new "single" life including dating and relationships.
• New approaches to plug into God's will and ease the burdens, loneliness, and anxiety that divorce brings.
• Ideas for maximizing time with your kids, even if you only see them every other weekend.
• Smart financial strategies tailored to the specific needs of divorced or separated.

Divorce doesn't have to be a dead-end.

Don’t let divorce cloud the future that God so desperately wants you to have. Come to the Journey of Hope Conference 2010 and learn how to bounce-back from divorce. You will leave the conference with new ideas and strategies that you can put to use right away. Don’t miss this chance to gain a renewed sense of confidence and optimism for your life in 2010 and beyond.

Learn more.

For more details on the conference and to register, go to www.journeyofhopeconference.com. Don’t miss this opportunity to make 2010 your most empowered and blessed year yet.

© 2010, Vincent Frese, II
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Raising Your Kids Catholic Despite Divorce

Raising out children Catholic after a divorce can be very difficult if the other spouse is not cooperative, and 9 times out of 10 they are not. Heck, if they were strong Catholics, you most likely would not have ended up divorced.

There are two ways to approach this: the temporal and the spiritual. Both are necessary and in the right balance for the odds to be put in your favor of insuring consistency in raising your kids Catholic. That's really all we can hope for is "consistency" in living our Catholic faith with our children since "divorce" and "consistency" tend to be oxymorons.

The spiritual approach is the most readily available. In short, it means praying like crazy to God, to Jesus, to the Blessed Mother, to St. Joseph, and to St. Michael to keep our kids Catholic despite what is swirling around them. This is fundamental. Do that every day.

The temporal approach is a little more of a bare knuckle approach because it involves the legal process. If you have not finalized your divorce, then I highly encourage you to put into your divorce decree very specific requirements regarding your children's Catholic faith. Once it is in writing, you have the power of the courts to back you up and help you facilitate raising your kids Catholic. That is much better then leaving it up to the fickle nature of an ex-spouse.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Have in your decree that you get the kids back by 4PM on Sundays. This will allow you time to get to the Sunday evening Mass. Many agreements "default" to 6PM. That's too late.

2. Have in your decree that your ex-spouse will make every effort to cooperate with you in raising your children Catholic. State that this also means not introducing them to other faiths because that causes the kids confusion and anxiety. Sorry, the Protestant faiths are very different then the Catholic faith no matter what your ex might try to tell you (and the kids). This also means not speaking badly of the faith or of you for raising them Catholic. Get that in your agreement.

3. Put in your decree that you have your kids by 9AM every Easter. Chances are you won't get a fight, especially if your ex is not practicing their faith. Easter is the most important day of the Liturgical year. Make sure your kids are celebrating it.

4. Be sure to have in your decree that your ex will take the kids to their CCD classes, especially if they are on their weekend. This also means allowing them to go on retreats and other church activities, even if it falls on their weekends or other visitation time.

5. See if you can't get your ex to agree to take the kids to Mass on the Sunday's they are with him/her. It may be a long shot, but ask for it anyway.

You may be thinking, "Yeah right, my ex would NEVER agree to any of this." Okay, maybe he/she won't, but you need to try. You may have to get very creative with your negotiations. If money is a big deal with your ex, consider making some economic concessions. Isn't your kids' salvation worth it?! If time is a big deal, offer more time with the kids. The point is, that just about anything of this world is worth giving up in exchange for consistency and a firm foundation for your kids in their Catholic faith.

Lastly, you might be surprised how supportive judges are of maintaining the children's faith lives. Judges don't like major changes in how the kids have been raised prior to the divorce. They understand that radical changes cause undue anxiety and stress for kids. They like consistency. If you have been consistent in raising your kids Catholic prior to the divorce, the chances are extremely good that the judge will support you in raising them Catholic after the divorce. Fighting for their faith before the divorce is settled is well worth the effort. Like the saying goes, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure."

If you have already settled your divorce, it is still not too late. Now that you have been living with your agreement for some period of time, it is highly likely there are things about it that both you and your ex would like changed. Use that as an opportunity to renegotiate to get some of the above concessions in your agreement. You don't necessarily have to go back to court. If you both can agree on it, that will work as an informal agreement. This is not the best since typically the ex will renege on the changes they agreed upon as soon as some other disagreement comes up (and it most likely will). But, any victory is a victory no mater how small, or for how long. Sadly, you may have to go back to court and fight for changes to the agreement to help insure a Catholic upbringing for your kids, especially if your ex is totally uncooperative, or worse, is undermining the kids' faith.

If all else fails, pray to St. Michael and put your kids firmly in his care. He is our protector and defender.


(c) 2010, Vincent Frese, II

Check out divorcedcatholic.org for answers and insights for divorced or separated Catholics.

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Dealing with Divorce: Tip #3

It's natural to want to roll up in a ball and hide when we are dealing with a crisis like divorce. Life is overwhelming. However, staying detached from life after the initial shock has passed is not good. To move beyond the grief and the pain, it is necessary to move outside our comfort zone. Here is another in a series of tips on how to deal with the challenges of divorce.


Push yourself: If you have ever been through physical therapy, you know that the therapist’s main job is to push you beyond what you think are your limits. You heal faster that way. Well, the same is true when healing spiritually and emotionally. If you confine yourself to living in your comfort zone, you rob yourself of the opportunity to heal. What does pushing yourself look like? It means availing yourself of the Sacraments of Eucharist and Reconciliation more often (when was the last time you went to confession, anyway?). It means participating in your parish’s divorce support group. It means going out with friends on a Friday or Saturday night instead of sitting at home watching reruns. (My brother was really good about pushing me to go out with him and his friends on the nights I didn’t have my kids.) In short, it means living today to the fullest, even if you don’t necessarily feel like it. Remember, feeling follows action.

(c) 2009, Vincent Frese II

(This is an excerpt from the blog article "Live In The Moment!" posted on www.divorcedcatholic.org.)

Dealing with Divorce: Tip #2

This is the second in a series of posts on how to bring a greater sense of peace and hope into your life, despite being divorced or separated. Here are some insights on how bringing order into your life can help.

First things first: It is hard to restore peace and hope into the present moment when it is in chaos. When you were married, you had a partner to help you with the daily tasks of living. When you are divorced or separated, you suddenly find yourself responsible for everything. This can be really overwhelming, especially for single parents. Things you didn’t have to worry about like paying the monthly bills, getting the oil changed in the car, or taking kids to the doctor, are now suddenly all on your shoulders. Talk about creating anxiety! Managing your time becomes essential to restoring a sense of peace into your life. And peace is the breeding ground for hope. Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, is an excellent resource for learning how to better manage your time and your life. Read it. The chapter, Habit 3: Putting First Things First, provides an excellent system for managing your time. I have been using it for almost 20 years. It has been absolutely invaluable to me, especially when I was a single parent raising my three kids on my own. People used to ask me all the time how I was able to juggle everything in my life. I would smile and say, “Prayer and Stephen Covey.”

(c) 2009, Vincent Frese II

(This is an excerpt from the blog article "Live In The Moment!" posted on www.divorcedcatholic.org.)

Dealing with Divorce: Tip #1

When you are divorced or separated, there is no shortage of people telling you to "Look on the bright side." Yeah, right! Much easier said then done. While they mean well, unless they have been in your shoes, they really don't have a clue how difficult life can be. Well, I have been in your shoes. Based on first hand experience, below is a first in a series of tips on how to actually look on that bright side and bring a great sense of peace and hopefulness into your life. I pray it helps!

Accept it: When we accept the fact that life during and after divorce can be very difficult it makes the suffering easier to bear. I didn’t say go away--just easier to deal with. The ex is still going to be a jerk, the bills still need to be paid, and life is still going to be lonely at times. Putting yourself in a posture of acceptance instead of denial is the ticket. I remember vividly the day that I accepted that I would have to live a chaste life after my divorce. It was the last thing I wanted, and the time leading up to that decision was filled with anxiety. Yet, once I made the decision to embrace my chaste life, the anxiety disappeared. I had this incredible sense of freedom. The burden had been lifted. This surprised me because accepting the fact that I might never be married again, and having to be celibate the rest of my life (something I thought only priests did), should have caused me even more anxiety and suffering. But it didn’t--just the opposite. Christ had taken this burden from me once I surrender it completely to Him. Believe it or not, enduring our suffering each day is our path to Heaven: “Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.” (Mark 8:34)

(c) 2009, Vincent Frese II

(This is an excerpt from the blog article "Live In The Moment!" posted on www.divorcedcatholic.org.)

Caught by surprise. Why does it still hurt?

When I was going through my divorce my counselor described grieving as a process. Typically it includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The first time through this process usually takes the longest. Once you are through it, life seems to get better and your positive outlook returns. It is also very common for something to trigger a repeat of this grief cycle. The Holidays are a common trigger. It could also be something as simple as driving by a restaurant you used to go to with your spouse, or even hearing of a friend getting engaged. When this happens, it can definitely catch you by surprise. Fortunately, these repeat cycles are typically not as intense and don't last as long as the initial grief cycle.

This happened to me once about 2 years after my divorce. I found out that this woman that I was working with had gotten engaged. For some reason, her joy and excitement sent me into a major funk. I grieved all over again the death of my marriage. It really hurt. Fortunately, it only lasted about 2 weeks and I was able to work through it and my positive and grateful attitude returned.

When you find yourself in one of these repeat grief episodes, lean on what has helped you in the past. Thank goodness for your Catholic faith as it is rich in ways to help restore peace and joy into your life, namely the Sacraments, including the Mass, the Eucharist and Reconciliation. It is through our faith that we are reminded of God's abundant Mercy and Love. He grieves with us. It is also helpful to think back to the last time you were grieving and do some of the same things that helped you get through that rough time. It could be exercise, a hobby, journaling, or talking to a trusted friend. Whatever it was, do it again. It will help now, just like it did before.

Never forget that Christ is ready to climb into your rocky boat at any time. Just call on Him! (Mark 6:45-52)

When to take the ring off?

This is an interesting question that was recently posted on the divorcedcatholic.org forum. There are many different perspectives, that's for sure. Here's mine:

Having recently gotten married (2 years ago) I remember very well the words I said to my wife (and she to me): "Monica, take this ring as the sign of my love and fidelity." A wedding ring is a Sacramental. It is a symbol of a Sacrament--the Sacrament of Marriage. As far I understand, having a ring is not a requirement of the Sacrament. It is simply a visible symbol that the Sacrament took place. (Whether it is valid or not is up to the Tribunal should an annulment be filed, but that is another topic.) In the eyes of the Church, you are married whether you wear a ring or not. The ring is given by your spouse as his/her sign of their love and fidelity. So, using that logic, if they are no longer demonstrating their love and fidelity, they have reneged on the promise that the ring symbolizes. A personal decision would have to be made by the ring wearer of when their spouse reneged and if it is permanent. If they believe the promise is no longer being honored, it would not be inappropriate to take the ring off. Certainly, after a civil divorce would be a clear indication that the spouse is no longer standing behind the promise that the ring conveys. However, it could be very clear earlier then the official divorce date that the spouse has abandoned their promise. It is very important to understand (as I think most Catholics do) that just because one is not wearing a ring, does not mean they are no longer married. Ring or no ring, they are required to honor that marriage.

I also want to add that it is quite possible for a spouse to recommit to the marriage before, during or after a divorce. When this happens it is perfectly appropriate to put the ring back on. After all, it is a sign of an existing reality. I personally know of a couple that was legally divorced for 3-4 years and then reconciled and renewed their vows and started to wear their rings again.

I took my ring off when my divorce proceedings started.

In Christ,

Vince Frese